you want to learn more about your mental health condition and the way you do it is through creating a syllabus consisting of an overview of mental health and depression literature from several disciplines.
#whatthefuckdidcollegedotome??
you know you’re an academic when…
when i should be working on my proposal
instead i’m reading a book titled the latina guide to health. so. several things have been running through my head lately. here’s a glimpse at some of them. i apparently really need to get them out. so here goes.
1- Hi my name is Kay and i struggle with depression, anxiety, and stress. the part of me that lies to myself says that my struggle with these has only been recent. the part of me that knows better knows this is a long time coming. many times during my college years (yes, college—particularly because those were the most formative years of my life) i selflessly gave up my mental, emotional and physical health to finish a paper, a reading, meet a deadline, finish a poster for an event, make it a to a meeting or whatever. these are the consequences. now i cant compartmentalize, i lack focus, its hard to complete my work. my mind doesnt feel as sharp as it once was and everything drains my energy. my name is Kay and i struggle with depression, anxiety, and stress.
2- so i’m 22 and in a Ph.D. program, a top program in my field and a top program in my area (race and gender). im not entirely sure what im going to do with a Ph.D. yet. to be honest, i’m not entirely sure i belong in a Ph.D. program or have a Ph.D. to begin with. a lot of the people in my program are over 25 so they are always surprised when i tell them i graduated in may 2011 and went straight into a Ph.D. program right out of undergrand without taking time off and without a master’s degree. i never gave the act a second thought but apparently its out of the ordinary to be so young and in such a position. some days, i feel like i know more than i should for my age. but other days, i feel like i haven’t read nearly as much as i should have by now.
3- so i kinda started dating this guy (well, we went on one date before he left to nyc to work for the city as a demographer for the summer). everything in my bones tells me to stay away and run as far away as i can, but then everything else tells me to stick around. he’s a Ph.D. student too-one of those people that wonders how i’m so young in such a position. he’s a sweet kid but i’m not sure dating is for me all just yet. everyone i talked to is glad he’s away for the summer. so much of me wants to tell him “look i have too much shit to handle. you honestly shouldn’t be dating me.”
4-i always wonder what the fuck i’m doing with my life. lately, i’ve thought about rejecting all forms of academia, completing my master’s and opening a coffee shop somewhere in the midwest. everyone tells me i’m too talented for that. by the time i’m 23, i’ll be Kay, B.A., B.A., M.S. That tells you all and two things 1) i’m an overachiever and 2) all i have to prove so far in my life is several degrees but not much else. a lot of my friends are getting married, having children, moving away, moving on to other things in their lives. i moved from home to keep studying, to keep my nose buried in some books to have another piece of paper to hang on my wall to tell you just how much shit i know and how much shit my eyes have read. i’m pretty sure it’s not average (especially considering where i spend the last 5 years of my life). but when i got close to finishing college, this seemed like the next stop i was supposed to take. i’ve always gone through life just letting the wind blow me (very very very contrary to my ex). i’ve never really taken it upon myself to let all hell break loose if things didn’t go my way—i just told myself “nope, that’s happening for a reason”. but now, on the verge of starting my second year in grad school , i’m really starting to ask myself if i’m enjoying what i’m doing and what the fuck i’m going to do when it’s done. i just kept studying because everyone told me it was what i should do (“you’re really talented”) but hell, i don’t even think i’m all that smart and i don’t see what i really have to offer that’s all that brilliant.
5- i keep on looking at pictures of the last couple of years. the years that made sense to me, when i was the bad bitch on campus and when i was invincible. those years and that happiness and that drive seem so far away and distant. i don’t even recognize the person i’ve become.
so there’s that. the dog is snoring. i’m out of beer. and its fucking too hot in texas.
real talk
“Women masturbate. Men masturbate. Who gives a shit?” —-Kay
it’s the fucking truth. women are expected to turn on some imaginary sexual switch as soon as they are married—but only to please their husbands. nooooo, they can’t enjoy sex for the hell of enjoying sex. that would mean that women are actually human beings…..
Kim.
me: “do you punch people when you sleep?”
kim: “i dont punch people…well, i did once…i was having a bad dream….”
ara is making fun of me
because i told her that i cant be out in the wilderness—-aka. walking outside because there’s bugs out there.
